It’s like Uber but for…Wait it’s still Uber, and now they’re tackling much more than rampant sexual harassment within their company and among their drivers. You now know Uber Eats, where the whole business model undermines Uber’s original reason for being, which is to say, it keeps people at home. That service is all well and good, but there’s so much more the company can and will deliver.

Introducing the following to meet what you didn’t realize were needs

  1. Uber Snuff – Because we all have needs and if we’re never leaving our homes again, we will need alternatives and don’t want to wait 2 days for Amazon to tell you your shipment will actually take a couple extra days.
  2. Uber Guzzle – Uber’s buying fuel tankers! Get gas from your driveway and go places, like a gas station to pick up lottery tickets because your astrological sign for this week said you would discover boundless riches.
  3. Uber Uber – It’s slim pickens out there for employers right now, so a nearby Uber driver ready to get 4 hours of sleep will drop their car off at your residence and use an Uber motorized scooter to get home.
  4. Uber Laundry – Air your dirty laundry with our clothes cleaning service, where Uber will collect those disgusting running socks and skeet blankets and give them a good rinse.

Be sure to tell Uber about your ridiculous ideas. The more demeaning, the better. Anything Uber can do to humiliate and degrade its drivers while also avoid responsibility for their conduct is welcome.